First off
Ben: if you read this- I'm sorry for digging a hole about you going and seeing your mom, I was trying to help.  You may've not seen it as sincere but it was.  And I really praying about her and I'm proud that you do still love her. Anyways sorry if I hurt ya.

I wish everyone could see my heart the way God does.  Then they would maybe leave me a lone? And maybe believe to some extented? I don't know but I have home work.

*Faith is a choice.  It comes from the heart, either you wanna believe or you don't.*

                                             -Jessica

Currently Playing The Heart of Worship By Worship Together, Various see related

..the second day back to school as a new person.. and I'm a loner.  I've told people that I've changed, like Amanda, Heather, Veronica, Kayla, Jade.. some other people, and they said thats good.  But I still mess up but I know its part of the process.  I guess so is crying.  I've cried everyday since, every night, just a simple song will make me break down for no apparent reason, I guess it just brings back memories of mistakes and things I've let go of.  I'm just.. me with in me, I don't know if you understand that but I do.  And all I need right now is time to think and time to straighten things out, and all the time I've been given is the same amount as everyone else in this world- 24 hours a day, its just how we spend it and rearrange it that counts and works out for each individual.  I miss my old life so much.. but I should dwell on the past and make the most of now.  I can't help it though.  I loved God with all my heart and I had friends and I had an awesome youth pastor that I could talk to and relate too.  We had fun.  I feel like I've grown up, I mean, I know I'm still in the stages of growing up, but I feel like I'm just there, stuck and theres no more maturing or growing up to do.  I have dreams, but I know what I'm going to do.  I know what God picked out for my career, but I guess maybe that won't be my life?  I still don't know who I'll marry, or where I'll live.. or college.  I could still dream about that, like I used to, like a little girl who wanted to be a princess- but I feel I don't have enough energy.  ....I've messed my life up...

   I love you God.

I.... didn't go.. to church that is.  I wanted to and I woke up in time, but.. I'm just scared of people like Kyle, I know hes a good guy, 2/3 of the time and he tries good.. but.. he can hurt feelings & and he did mine once and he left the impression he wouldn't accept me if I did go back.. I know that I'm not supposed to worry cause it not him that I'm living for.. but I also know that his girlfriend goes to the church, she knew how I turned, from him, Mellissa knew, I think Kenneth had a feeling, Dusty knew somewhat but he understood, and plus he doesn't go to that church anymore.. so, its acceptence that I'm scared of.  I have God back, I know that, I accepted it last night, which was.. crazy and I cried-a lot.  Anyways... I was just scared and I should walk by faith, not fear, but it is hard, and I'm still trying, and I'm still growing..  I will keep trying.

I'm so messed up, in the head, in the heart, I don't even understand myself.. Lately, I know I've become a bad person, and thats who I thought I wanted to be, and I get so mad at people and I cuss them out, and I do stuff behind there backs.. and I even think that they wouldn't care if I died.. but then I really think about it and I know they would.. I just kills me to think that they'd think [if I died].. 'I tried to get her back to Jesus, but she wouldn't come.  She was a nice girl, then went rebelious.'.. I think about what my mom would think if she knew how I was right now.. wow this entry is actually bringing tears and goose bumps.. anyways, I want God back in my life.. there I admited it.  I let Him go, it was all my fault.  I just don't know if I can accept Him. I know He'd come back and I know Hes waiting to come back.. but I've just done so much stuff, that I don't know how I'd tell everyone that I'm going to become a christian again.  I just did stuff tonight that I shouldn't have.. I told someone I wanted to go get drunk cause I was so stressed.. I cussed..  I listen to bad music.  I hate this.. I've tried going back to God before and no one believed me that I could stay that way, which they were right, I didn't.  I went back to swearing, drinking, lieing, and the sinful ways of my old me.  I want God back so despiratly but I'm so scared, I know I'll be alone and I know no one will believe me.  I don't know what that one sin is down inside me that even I can't forgive but I know its bringing up my worst fear and thats whats tieing me down.  its just picturing me in the lunch room alone, or sitting in class and not talking, I was voted most rebellious and biggest flirt! Everyone knows as that outgoing unshy girl in the class that speaks her mind, and I mean her mind.. if she didn't like the assignment she'd say so and dis the teacher and not do the damn assignment.. she'd sitt there a doodle on the desks and make fun of the teacher.. I actually indimated adults.. I hate for being that person, I hate being mean to people and making them feel bad, just so I feel good. I shouldn't be that person- I know I shouldn't.  But I can't change, I probibly can. I just want to go to a new place and be the person I want and should be, so no one will think I'm the world worst hypocrite- cause thats how people will see me.  Even the people at my church will probibly think of me that way.. thats why tomarrow I'm going to show up late and just sit in the back, so people won't stare, cause I know that they know how I've turned.   I can't even see them accepting me back.. Dusty and Seath don't go anymore, I don't think anyways and they were pretty much the only people I talked to really.. gosh I miss Pastor Jesse and our old days.. thats how I want it to be again, but I know I can't go back.. I know that Kevin tries his hardest and he sees that its not working out, he talks to himself sometimes- tryin to convince himself that its getting better but we all can see that its not.  everyones getting pushed away..

I think I'm going to church.. and heres the guy thats helped me out..: